There are things you can do, and then as soon as you complete and can pause you collapse.
Sorting out, being kind, to the Ex girlfriend. I think it as being a decent human being, other people seem to the it’s above and beyond.
It’s kind of distressing when the easy thing that you try to do is too hard to concentrate on.
It worries me that Lego required more focus and concentration than I had.
Even watching rugby was too tricky.
And so she found me passed out at my desk, sent to rest in sick bay and woken 6 hours later at the end of the day.
I don’t remember anything from that time. But woke knowing I’ve been sick.
Not allowed to drive so taken home, then instantly sleeping till 4am.
Might have done more if I’d been awake longer.
Mostly back wanting to to not be here.
I think in part I don’t deal well with being ill. The frustration of failing to think. Failing to concentrate. Failing to be coherent.
Mostly just want to escape, run away, hide and dissolve into unbeing. Unbeing was an idea from a book, it just sounded so peaceful and perfectly simple.
It just feels like that would be preferable to this.
And counciling while interesting is not so productive while in this frame of mind.
I have made so many friends, met most of my partners and done most of my exploring and traveling through Guiding and Scouting.
I have had some amazing experiences, met some amazing people through this organisation and it’s shaped me.
I have met a few absolute arseholes through it too. But these have been by far the minority and in an the biggest youth organisation (Guiding) and the biggest mixed youth organisation (Scouting) there are bound to be one or two. I mean Guiding world wide has 10 million members, it’d be a miracle if they were all lovely rather than just most.
I will always identify as a Guide first, and a SeaScout second. I will never again wear a brown Scout shirt and I still get flashbacks sometimes with men in a land scout uniform – I wonder if I did the right thing, or at least if I’d reported it would it have saved someone else. I wasn’t strong enough. This is the down side of thinking.
Mostly we celebrated thinking, brownies, guides and Rangers with fire…